The Bachelor Episode 1: No Rules

Last night began the latest in a long series of journeys for love. What season is this? 204? 7? I have no idea.

Sean is our Bachelor this time around. I’ve only followed the show since Brad’s second season but Sean seems the most Bachelor-y to me. By that I mean, he is Mr. America. He’s ridiculously blond, talks incessantly about his family and his desire for a family, and we saw him without his shirt on eight times in ten minutes.

The episode begins with Sean getting a visit from his good friend Arie (also dumped by Emily on the last season of the Bachelorette). Oh, they haven’t seen each other since they were both dumped by the same girl? That’s weird. It’s almost like they aren’t actually friends in real life and this is all for TV.

I thought this was a silly ploy to get Arie on TV but it was actually pretty funny as they practised how Sean could break up with girls.

Sean: “I just don’t see this going in a long-term direction.”

Arie: “That’s not what you said last night in the fantasy suite.”As the ladies arrived in their limos and the cocktail party began, Sean bucked Bachelor tradition by handing out roses willy-nilly, seemingly to almost every lady he talked to. Predictably, the ladies went rose-crazy, trying to figure out why people were already getting these coveted flowers.”There might not be any rules,” said one in a panic.This made me laugh because sometimes my mother-in-law tells us that there are no rules. Which usually leads to Peter saying that he’s going to take off his pants. (He doesn’t. We’re a pants-on kind of family.) This was a pants-on kind of cocktail party too, thankfully.

Contestant Catherine expressed it perfectly, describing the jealousy of seeing another lady with a rose but then, “We had to put our lady faces back on”. But she was actually “mean-mugging”. Whatever that means. Where is Catherine from? I think I want to be her friend.

Some ladies who stuck out to me:

Desiree – Working in a bridal shop and then going on the Bachelor raised a red flag for me at first because that just screams, too obsessed with getting married! But she actually seemed nice and pretty normal as the episode progressed.

Robyn – Who learned that just because you can do a back flip in your house doesn’t mean you can do one wearing heels and a fancy gown while meeting a man. She seemed lovely but was really trying to stress how quirky she was.

Kristy – First of all, don’t come up with a slogan for yourself. Just don’t do that. But if you insist on creating such a slogan, just say it quietly to yourself. Maybe write it in your diary. Do not repeat it multiple times on television.

AshLee – I was turned off by the fact that she is a professional organizer. My immediate thought was that there’s something wrong with her, something hidden and sinister. (This may be saying more about me than about her.) However, as the episode progressed, she seemed very normal and quite nice.

Katie – I liked the fact that she showed up barefoot. She’s probably too much of a hippy for Sean (I can’t picture him doing yoga) but she’d probably be pretty chill to hang out with.

Lindsay – Showing up in a wedding dress is a cute gimmick. After all, you’re there hoping to marry the guy, right? Kissing him before you tell him your name, when he clearly is not expecting or wanting it is less cute. I would be upset if someone I just met kissed me like that. That’s one of the reasons I probably will never be the Bachelorette. I had to laugh though when Sean told her he had a rape whistle.

Ashley P. (there are way too many ladies named Ashley) – Gets to be the crazy contestant of the first night. This is clear during her intro when she launches straight into her love of the “novel” Fifty Shades of Grey. Listen, going on about your love of pornography on a blind date is probably not a good idea. She then proceeds to get very drunk and dance, by herself, near Sean. “That girl’s a trip,” says Sean. “She’s fifty shades of drunk.” Bachelor Sean – funnier than I thought he was.

In the end, 12 ladies already have roses before the rose ceremony even begins. No rules! It’s chaotic but not as crazy as Chris Harrison seems to think. At the rose ceremony, Sean sends drunken 50 Shades lady home but keeps drunken bridal dress-wearing lady.

My top picks based on the first episode would be: Desiree, Selma, AshLee, Sarah, Tierra. Roughly in that order. I think. We’ll see. There are no rules! Anything could happen!

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