El Bachelore – Episode 1

Well, here we go, the latest journey for love with Juan Pablo.

Like I said previously, I didn’t know much about this guy except that he seemed to be chosen as the bachelor solely on the basis of his looks and his accent. Here’s what I learned about Juan Pablo:

  • He’s Venezualan.
  • But he was born in the U.S. But he grew up in Venezuala. But he lives in Miami now. And you thought my Asian heritage was confusing!
  • He’s never been married. (I’m pretty sure.)
  • He’s a former pro soccer player.
  • He is currently a consultant for sports (and entertainment? I wasn’t paying attention.) No idea what this means but he has a job so that’s cool
  • He has a four year old daughter named Camila, who was born on Valentine’s Day.
  • He’s really good at drawing hearts. Seriously, it showed him drawing hearts multiple times and they were great. I’m terrible at drawing hearts so I notice these things.
  • Has there ever before been a bachelor who never got a one-on-one date as a contestant?
  • I had heard that Juan Pablo was difficult to understand (English is obviously his second language) but didn’t find that to be true at all.
  • Overall verdict: Pleasantly surprised, thus far. He’s not as smarmy as I expected.

Once we’ve learned all these things, Former Bachelor Sean shows up. Sure, these guys have probably never met in their lives but let’s go with it.

Sean refers to the “journey” (and not the band) and Juan Pablo is definitely unimpressed. He prefers to call it his “aventura” (did you notice he speaks Spanish?) Then Sean asks him about kissing. It felt awkward.

Jumping way, way ahead, here are some of my impressions of our 27 ladies. Apparently there’s 27 this season instead of 25 because soooo many women want to date Juan Pablo. My guess is that the casting directors got lazy.

The Ladies:

Chelsie:

  • Thinks hiding among sunflowers is whimsical.
  • Practices her Spanish but even I know her accent is terrible and I’m Canadian.
  • She’s the “science educator” which apparently means she teaches for a science museum.
  • So…she’s a tour guide?
  • Her safety goggles are woefully inadequate and clearly chosen to make her look cute.
  • My prediction: Lasts 2 or 3 more episodes.

Renee:

  • Outdoorsy (or at least portrayed as such)
  • Single mom
  • My prediction: top 5. Ultimately, I think Juan Pablo wants more of his own kids but not necessarily to be a stepfather.

Andi:

  • Lawyer
  • Enacts an extremely fake looking court scene.
  • Thinks she’s really pretty (she is) and thinks people are shocked that she’s a lawyer because she’s so pretty (they’re not).
  • Then she tells Juan Pablo that she doesn’t like to read so I’m not a fan.
  • My prediction: She’ll be “the jealous one” but will make it to the top 4.

Amy:

  • “The quirky one”. Whether this is really her or a show personality, who knows.
  • Gives Juan Pablo a massage. In a driveway. While he’s wearing a suit. He describes it as
  • No rose.

Nikki:

  • Pediatric Nurse. Feels the need to explain the word “pediatric” to Juan Pablo as “baby nurse”. Ladies, he’s not dumb, he just speaks two languages.
  • Very cutesy but seems nice.
  • My prediction: Final 4

Lauren:

  • “The damaged one.”
  • Shows us her wedding dress from her broken engagement. Which she’s totally over. Even though it only ended a few months ago.
  • Sounds like Miley Cyrus when she talks
  • No rose.
  • Also, what the heck kind of job is “mineral coordinator”?

Valerie:

  • Would have been “the mean one” but we barely saw her.
  • No rose

Lacey:

  • Seems sweet, owns/runs some sort of elderly care facility.
  • Does she really dress that way to work?
  • No rose.

Clare:

  • Part-Mexican so she speaks Spanish which gives her a major advantage.
  • Tells us about the passing of her father.
  • Tells us her father made a DVD for her future husband. She has never seen it. No one has ever seen it. And now I am so, so afraid that she will give it to Juan Pablo and this stupid show will air her father’s gift to her on TV. Please Clare, be smarter than that!
  • My prediction: Top 5

Amy L:

  • Aggressive hugger.
  • My prediction: Goes on 2-3 dates before getting eliminated and is not terribly upset by it.

Cassandra:

  • Resembles Brody’s wife on Homeland. Right? (I’ve only seen the first season so please don’t talk to me about Homeland.)
  • Awkward. Awkward silence.
  • Kept because she’s very pretty and she looks like Inara from Firefly.
  • My prediction: Eliminated shortly before Hometown Dates

Christy:

  • Blonde.
  • That’s all I got.
  • My prediction: Eliminated next week.

Christine:

  • I thought Juan Pablo liked her but then she didn’t get a rose so I don’t understand men at all, I guess.
  • No rose.

Kat:

  • She smells good. Apparently.
  • Assumes that all Latin-American people know how to salsa.
  • My prediction: Eliminated the episode after she has her first one-on-one date.

Chantel:

  • Thinks her name is hard to pronounce.
  • It’s not.
  • Gives Juan Pablo detailed instructions on how to pronounce her name. Again, he’s not a moron, he just speaks multiple languages.
  • My prediction: Eliminated next episode.

Victoria:

  • She’s from Brazil.
  • Your Portuguese won’t help you here.
  • My prediction: Eliminated in episode 3

Lucy:

  • I can’t even…people like this drive me crazy.
  • Shows up barefoot. Because she didn’t want to be “too tall” and she has never heard of flats.
  • Juan Pablo tells her, “You can be tall, you can be small”, which is like a line from an inspirational Dr. Seuss book.
  • Lucy is a “free spirit.” Apparently that’s her job. People like this drive me crazy because they’re flaky and you can’t have a real friendship/relationship/whatever with them and yet they continue to think they’re adorable and endearing.
  • My prediction: Lasts for a few group dates so she can be “quirky” and “whimsical”, maybe a one-on-one, but he won’t pick her because he already has a 4-year-old in his life.

Danielle:

  • Hey! She promised him a present and we never saw that present!
  • Did she get a rose? Which one was Danielle again?

Lauren:

  • Different Lauren, not still-hung-up-on-my-broken-engagement Lauren.
  • Arrives on a piano-bike which I just learned existed.
  • My prediction: Gets the first one-on-one date. I’m just throwing that out there, based on nothing. Someone’s gotta get it, right?

Elise:

  • Smells good. So that’s Kat and Elise who smell good, if you’re keeping track. Which, apparently, I am.
  • Believes in love at first sight. Oh dear, this isn’t going to end well.
  • When she only mentions her dad, Juan Pablo pushes for information about her mom which is uncomfortable because Elise then has to talk about her mother’s death.
  • Tells us that when she looks in Juan Pablo’s eyes she sees something. Her mother looking back. Which is…unusual.
  • My prediction: Top 8

Ashley:

  • Very breathy.
  • Is kind to not-over-her-broken-engagement Lauren and so she seems nice.
  • No rose

Alli:

  • Brings a soccer ball, wears cleats. Fine
  • Tells Juan Pablo, “I’m looking for a teammate.” Terrible, Alli, terrible.
  • My prediction: Lasts, max, 2 more episodes.

Maggie:

  • Strong Southern accent.
  • This was her first time on an airplane! Her second time on an airplane was after she got eliminated the first night!
  • I would bet money (a small amount, maybe a dollar, but still) that Maggie has participated in beauty pageants.
  • Did I mention the strong Southern accent? ‘Cause it’s powerful.
  • No rose.

Kelly:

  • Kelly is a dog-lover. Apparently this is her job.
  • Kelly thinks we won’t believe that she is a dog lover (because most of us are unfamiliar with that particular career) and so she brings her dog along.
  • Her dog is named Molly and is very fluffy with a very small head.
  • My prediction: Kelly will be sent home but Molly might stay.

Alexis:

  • Speaks Spanish? Maybe?
  • Brunette? Maybe?
  • No rose?
  • Who was Alexis?

Kylie:

  • Redhead.
  • Unfamiliar with the rule that I learned from Anne Shirley, which is that redheads should not wear pink.
  • Evidence of the rule that I learned from Anne Shirley, which is that redheads should not wear pink.
  • Maybe doesn’t know this rule because she is clearly not a natural redhead.
  • No rose.

Sharleen:

  • Canadian!
  • Opera singer, living in Germany.
  • Juan Pablo is impressed. Juan Pablo gives her the First Impression Rose.
  • Sharleen seems normal and therefore expresses that she doesn’t feel much of a connection. In an amazing moment it appears like she will reject the first rose of the season but then she takes it and says, “Sure. Why not?”
  • Juan Pablo obviously likes the fact that Sharleen has travelled, which makes sense since he’s used to a different culture than the U.S. and has lived in multiple countries. I could see that being important to him.
  • My prediction: It seems pretty obvious that Sharleen is that normal girl who will choose to leave of her own volition.
  • Bonus: Her dress was the best. (Juan Pablo definitely seemed to think so). Go Canada!

Who’s watching with me? Who are your favourites? Your top picks?

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