there is a space

For the past two years on this date I’ve shared the same poem by Charles Bukowski. I’ve never explained why. I’m sharing it again below today.

October 19, 2014 was the due date for my first pregnancy. I had my first ever positive pregnancy test on a cold February day – so cold that the surface of Trout Lake froze and Peter and I stopped to walk on it when we drove by that day.

I don’t remember where I came across this poem by Bukowski and I don’t know what he intended the poem to be about. Probably not miscarriage but it expresses something of what I feel on this day.

By the time we reached October 19th in 2014, I was pregnant with Pearl and that alleviated some of the hurt but it is and will always be a painful day. There will always be a space. This year, that space has been widened and March 10th will join the list of painful days on my calendar.

I know from experience that the wound will not always be this raw. And I know from experience that the space never vanishes.

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.

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2 thoughts on “there is a space

  1. Hi Karissa, I check your blog every once in awhile for book suggestions and read your other stuff as well.
    I’m so sorry for your terrible losses. I can’t imaging how painful and heartbreaking it is to lose a child. But thank you for sharing your loss – as terrible as it is. Miscarriage, infertility, unwanted pregnancies – all these things are not discussed openly enough in the church and we expect people to bear the terrible weight on their own. We all feel isolated in our mourning because until we experience it and open up we don’t know that others have walked/are walking the path as well and honestly struggling with doubting God’s goodness through it all. I wish the church were better at it – better at utterly enthusiastically celebrating the good times with people (while not feeling resentful or guilty), and bearing the darkest burdens and mourning with one another. I do not know the loss of a child, however we are going on 2 years of trying to get pregnant so I do know a bit of the loss of hopes and dreams (I share this not so that you feel sorry for me, but to know that I can empathize in a small part of your sadness). I don’t know what the future holds for any of us – whether life will abound (I certainly hope & pray so) or not – but I trust that God is good and even in the blackest of nights He is present in our suffering, and that His story doesn’t end in death. The scripture you shared from Daniel is so beautiful and has been incredibly encouraging to me over time, because unlike the message that the prosperity “gospel” gives which is that if you love Christ no bad thing will happen to you (which is a nice story but utterly untrue from the experience of Christ, let along Christian), the 3 men recognize that God is good and to be worshiped, no matter the outcome.
    So all in all, thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine the loss, and then having to share it with others but know that your words are encouraging, and I pray that God reveals himself to you in this.

    • Flora, thank you so much for your thoughtful message here. I’m glad you find some encouragement and thank you for sharing a bit of your own experience. Nothing has shown me so clearly that we are not in control as becoming a parent. It’s been a huge test of faith and it continues to be so. I agree that our society – and the church, unfortunately – too often tells us that we “deserve’ certain things or that good things will happen to good people and so it leaves you reeling when those good things don’t come, or they’re taken away. It’s not the example we have in the Bible and especially no the example of Jesus but it’s a hard one to let go of. Thank you for your prayers. I’ll be praying for you guys too. I wish that children came to those who want them badly but all I can say is that God is still present and good in the darkest of times and I hope that you experience His presence in good and hard days.

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